I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
