No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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