U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
