And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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