i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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