I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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