Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
