I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're too hungover to prance.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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