i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
