It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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