OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
