You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
