there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize