I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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