The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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