So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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