Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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