I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
