I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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