Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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