plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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