Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
