i just wanna soil my oats bro
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
