her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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