Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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