If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
