First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
