Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
