When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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