She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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