the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
