you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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