im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
