70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
