Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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