My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
