Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
