there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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