If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
