I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
