Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize