there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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