when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
