Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
