I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize