Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
