Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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