woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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