Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
