considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
