Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
