Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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