I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
