FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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