I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
