I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
